Floraish

At work at the moment. Having a bitch about NYE. Had all these great plans, now they’re gone.

I don’t wanna do anything now.

On a somewhat positive note, for $8 I scored: 300gm serve of pasta, 2 nectarines, 1 banana, 1L of full cream milk and 700gm loaf of bread. No idea why everybody is complaining about the cost of living. The pasta is my lunch. Fruit my afternoon tea, and the milk and bread will be enough for the boss and I’s breakfast over the next 2 days.

Monday nights = $10.95* steak night at the Calamvale Hotel

Deciding to fully take advantage of that offer, John and I (mostly I) headed off to the ‘Vale and got stuck into some awesome rump, garlic bread and good old alcohol. A must for everyone. We ended up playing 3 games of pool, with me almost winning 2 of them. Actually, I did win them. Screw you John!

Then we got the hint the pub was closing, so we went back to my place and watched The Addams Family movie. Hahahahahaha so much innuendo I never understood when I watched that movie the first time around (in ‘96? I can’t recall).

I’m rather tired. I had a long and boring, emo day. Same again tomorrow then? Sure!

*indicates that a drink must be purchased. John got a beer, I got some midori

When you love the one who is killing you,
it leaves you no options.
How can you run, how can you fight,
when doing so would hurt that beloved one?
If your life was all you had to give, how could you not give it?
If it was someone you truly loved?

Feeling massively shit. Torn. Listening to Enya. Looking for some guidance. Life? Love? Career? All meaningless? I really don’t want to be here. I don’t want to deal. I don’t like consequences. I don’t like choices. I don’t know anything.

I just want a release.

I don’t care if you think I’m being too hard on myself, or don’t give myself enough credit. I am, without a doubt, a dickhead. I’ve never had much of a conscience before, and now that I seem to have discovered one, I feel absolutely sick in my stomach. I don’t think I could possibly eat anything tonight. An over ambitious person like me doesn’t deserve anything.

“And yet, to say the truth,
reason and love keep little
company together nowadays.”

William Shakespeare

A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Act III, Scene i

Well I’m sick.

It sucks.

Could be eating udon with Steve right now.

But I’m not.

Because I’m stubborn and sick, mainly because I’m sick though.

I am so in love..

..with the Twilight series. This week on Wednesday, I managed to buy New Moon and Eclipse (Book 2 and 3 respectively) for a really great price of $16 each. It’s almost 50% off the RRP (Don’t even get me started on the ridiculous mark up on books)! So I was mega glad. Eager as I was to pick up where I left off from Twilight, I devoured every single word in book 2 in the space of 2 days; pacing myself. I finished it late Saturday night and started on Eclipse, which sadly I am also probably close to finishing - give it until tomorrow night. I’m sad because I’ll have to wait until August for the final installment to come out.

I really haven’t been this ‘into’ reading since Potter. Even ‘His Dark Materials’, the last series I dove into didn’t quite hold my attention like Twilight does. I hang onto every single word and hold my breath as I turn each page. It’s crazy. It’s nothing I’ve ever read before. Not that I get into fiction much. But there’s just something about this.. vampire romance I can’t put down. It’s nothing like a textbook or biography of course, it’s all made up, I can’t help but get drawn into it and subconsciously try to live my life the same (Like, the romance part, not the vampires, though if I were in love with a vampire as beautiful as Edward Cullen, I wouldn’t complain!).

Other than that, I’ve been trying to begin some sort of fitness regime from level 0. I’m not fit, but I’m not terribly unfit either - but I chose to start at the very beginning last week with 15 minute walks around the block with my dogs, to one hour walks, jogs, skipping, eating right and often. It’s been pretty good. Today I managed to walk 6km and not break a sweat, actually, I felt like I could’ve done more but my dogs were all tired out and Jacklyn even stepped on some bindii. So I got home and decided to skip instead. I have a weighted skipping rope so I spent about 10 minutes on that before deciding to warm down with some housework! Very productive! I’ve been doing exercise at least 4 times a week now, so I’ve been pretty good.

On Saturday though, I did have a break and go out and see Steve. We were meant to do something on Sunday, but there was this ‘thing’ on that he wanted to watch and even though he didn’t explicitly say, I changed it around for his benefit. I think that’s possibly a small reason why I’m feeling a bit angst, because I was meant to go to a birthday party with the rest of my family, but didn’t because I was at Steve’s and now the stupid ‘thing’ got cancelled so there was no point anyways. I do feel a bit stupid being so selfless and making compromises that could possibly never be returned (well, let’s face it, the kind of person I am, I wouldn’t be putting someone out to make such a decision to begin with). I guess I did get things done today, so I should stop grumbling, but I do wish he would’ve said something about it; maybe a ‘Hey, guess what? The event got cancelled, maybe we can do lunch or something because I want to see you some more and who knows, we both could be pretty busy in the coming weeks’. Well, maybe he wouldn’t say that, but at least SOMETHING. Maybe he didn’t know the strings I pulled? Mum was pretty :\ and I felt a twinge of guilt. Oh well. I think I’m over it. I don’t wanna be petty. But let’s face it, I am; and I’m highly needy and fragile. I’m feeling highly insecure that this could all be taken away from me at any moment. I know it won’t, but there’s nothing worse than silence.

Sigh.

So I’m a little upset about one thing.

Amidst all this happy stuff going on, I can feel one negative thing happening - I’m gaining weight. Unwanted weight. It’s really terrible. It’s this terrible weather, it’s going out to eat every second day, it’s stress, it’s being comfortable, it’s everything! I step on the scales once a week and in the last month I’ve gained about 5kg. I was only ever just borderline acceptable before the weight gain, now I’m a fucking buttertroll. You think I’m exaggerating, and I probably am, but this is all how I feel. I feel so worthless, so hopeless, and so ugly.

Oh god, Steve would be disgusted and put off. I feel like such a whale. Bloated and beached. I never feel like doing anything, and I’m always tired. I can’t keep up with him. He’s always fit and exercising, I’m just too damn time poor to do anything about it.

I fucking hate it. I had a shower tonight and was revolted at the sight of my own body. It’s out of shape, it’s wobbly and parts jiggle. I’m really upset. I’ve never really had many body image issues, but for some reason I can’t stop hating on my body right now. Maybe I’m getting my period. Yes, that could be it. I can’t imagine why I’d be so emo otherwise.

Great, now I’m a fat, emo and (possible) menstruating girl.

Well just about nothing is going right.

Not even my healthy dinner of steamed rice and salmon sashimi helped things. Sigh. I’m ready to leave this dump and start afresh somewhere new. Definitely looking at the Territory with some new sense of longing. It wouldn’t be cold, or crowded. The air would be fresh, and the communities would be close knit. Most of all, I’d be leaving all the shit behind because drama can’t follow you 3500km west.. can it?

Steve and I have a breakdown in communication, Kyrin has a douchebag friend, Erin hasn’t got a job yet (though that doesn’t contribute to my anxiety, it’s just nice to list our woes), and I just don’t have time for all this. I feel like screaming my lungs out.

On the bright side, I think I’m pretty cool with uni. This is my hardest semester so far, and the next year and a half will be a walk in the park with 3 more compulsory CRIM subjects and 9 electives. Final essay is due this Friday and it’s already half complete. At least that’s one aspect of my life that I can say with certainty is going right.

So it’s the 8th today. And we all know what that means!

Coincidentally today is also another important day where my poli-sci essay should get marked and handed back to me. *nauseates* I’m having such a crap day already. I really really hope I get both of them back with good results!

What else is new? The last week or so I’ve been having these chronic tension headaches. Maybe from stress. Maybe from bad sleep, or even possibly from bad diet. But one thing’s for sure, is that they’re here and they’re not going away.

GAH! I’m so not confident about the job now. It’s lunch time now and I haven’t heard back! SHIT it’s lunch time, I should probably head into uni now. I’ve just spent all morning watching Ugly Betty.

Edit: 1317 - At uni now and I can’t stop the feeling of wanting to throw up all over the desk.

I’m not going to get the job, I just know it. Now I wish I didn’t post all about it and told half the world. How utterly disappointing.