Floraish

I started off the day really well. Had a nice shower. Got dressed. Put on some makeup. A spritz or two of Marc Jacobs and I was ready to go. I wore my new dress with my gold stilettos. A bit overdressed for 9AM; but damn I looked good.

I had a good day. I really tried to. Last night’s thoughts are still nagging at me. It feels like all the personal progress I made over the last week to be good, open and understanding, has diminished over one stupid thing.

It’s just so stupid. Actually, I’m the stupid one. I’m the one that needs a social networking site to validate my boyfriend’s feelings for me. So pathetic. I feel so pathetic. I am so pathetic.

I tried. I really did.

Now repeat after me;

“It’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal.”

Go to sleep Flora!

How noble are martyrs?

Dying for a cause seems to be a little too over the top. What about self sacrifice? Currently pondering the idea. It seems like the only likely solution to the stalemate. Or is it?

Last night was good. Actually, rephrase; it was really great. Cooking dinner, watching Betty, lying in bed. All great things. A snippet into what we’re like. We’re very good together in almost every way. Perfect symbiosis of compatibility. But it’s a new day and I sit around with a heavy heart just not knowing what’s going to happen or what to do.

Do I just do everybody a favour and opt for the time and space option of an unknown period of time?

OR

Do I wait it out?

Every time I’m faced with this question I always choose the latter. Wishful thinking perhaps. But the problem seems to always exacerbate further. If the problem doesn’t lie in me, wouldn’t it be smart to just let the problem be solved in my absence? If a lifestyle change is needed; and I must admit that I am a big part of that lifestyle; then why not take a change. Could potentially be positive for me too? (Who am I kidding).

But then again, why not be supportive and just stick around. It’s not my fault that he feels like he does. Right? So why should I have to suffer the consequences?

What’s right, and what’s wrong. I’ve no idea…

The backstory:

Much too complicated to tell. Several attempts to write one have been quashed by my inability to think about anything besides last night.

The discussion:

Time and space. Both much needed. Not by me.

The aftermath:

A restless night, followed by no sleep. Tears. Further discussion tonight.

I feel absolutely rotten inside.

I could’ve been happy.

I should be happy.

I want more.

I need more.

I deserve more.

I will always love you.

Well I’ve had a couple of really good weekends.

The weekend before last, Steve and I went to Underwater World, it was my surprise birthday outing. So fun checking out all the animals and whatnot. Steve had never actually been there and it had been about 15 years since I was last there, so why not? Seal show was the best!

The weekend just gone, we finally went and saw the Watchmen. It was a very, very long movie. Kinda epic. I liked it but I felt a lot of unanswered questions were left for me as I hadn’t read the graphic novel (ten years ago!). On Sunday was my first day setting up my market stall. It was pretty busy. Made a nice chunk of coin for myself. But it would be a month of early starts before I make back all my outlay. Lex and Erin came along and spent the day sitting with me in the hot and windy sun. Best friends.

Kinda writing in broken sentences because I keep feeling this angst building up. It’s been there since last night but I don’t want to say anything to ruin how good Steve and I have bounced back from crap* since.

It’s probably all just me being insecure, but I know what I saw and I know what I read and I know how he acted to brush me off and get me to leave the room. I’m pretty sure I know how it will play out if I continue not to say anything… BUT I’m going to do it differently and have some faith in the person I love so dearly; not his fault if people are being inappropriate. Right? He should know how to handle it and we can just continue being together uninterrupted.

*indicates we had several discussions.