Floraish

I started off the day really well. Had a nice shower. Got dressed. Put on some makeup. A spritz or two of Marc Jacobs and I was ready to go. I wore my new dress with my gold stilettos. A bit overdressed for 9AM; but damn I looked good.

I had a good day. I really tried to. Last night’s thoughts are still nagging at me. It feels like all the personal progress I made over the last week to be good, open and understanding, has diminished over one stupid thing.

It’s just so stupid. Actually, I’m the stupid one. I’m the one that needs a social networking site to validate my boyfriend’s feelings for me. So pathetic. I feel so pathetic. I am so pathetic.

I tried. I really did.

Now repeat after me;

“It’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal.”

Go to sleep Flora!

I’m really happy. And tired. Mostly happy though.

Last night I got to make dinner for Steve! I was quite torn between doing my teriyaki salmon (a proven hit) with baby bok choy OR something new. So I decided I would go to the supermarket and see if the salmon was fresh or not before making the final decision. Turns out they didn’t even have any of the boneless skinned fillets! Ugh. Quick. What else to do? Well I did have an earlier craving for potato bake, so I decided to make that as my side and a honey mustard chicken dish. Both turned out sooooooo well! Steve was very impressed I think. He even had enough leftovers for lunch. So it was good We ended up watching Sleepy Hollow - very creepy movie. I don’t like scary movies. I wasn’t able to sleep much at all last night.

I didn’t see Steve tonight; I had a really long day and we’re both quite busy. I have an essay due this Friday which I started today. So that was, uh, interesting. I guess I work better under stress. Though I don’t really feel stressed. Maybe I just function well with deadlines. Debating whether or not I want to go into uni again tomorrow just to avoid the distractions of home and work some more. Obviously if I don’t go, then I have to do serious work. I wish I had the hindsight to start this during the holidays. Oh well. Too busy enjoying them I suppose. On another note; my stupid CRIM2001 workbook only got 12.5/30! WHAT? I swear there has to be some mistake. That’s not even 50%. How could I have gotten so low? Argh. I better not be getting too complacent.

Another rant. Stupid UQ Subway is not participating in the $7 Sub deal (which includes my all time favourite - Pizza Sub!). I am hellaciously upset! Not only that, but all their subs cost more than average! Hello? Uni students are POOR! So I boycotted them and did another bakery trip and got the trusty $2.10 sausage roll. Ahhh they haven’t failed me yet. Stupid UQ Union putting a Subway on campus. Thought they were meant to rule the Union with an iron fist! Obviously not.

2PM Friday afternoon. Bliss.

Kind of looking forward to the weekend; kind of not. I’m just so over this week. Every day has been exactly the same. Wake. Work. Break. Work. Sleep. Rinse and repeat. Sure got some plans in the mix; but it feels like everybody around me especially Steve; is more than a life away. Oh well.

Did some business today. Turns out a lot of my Caboolture friends are doing quite well for themselves and buying houses and such. Yes, plural. I got into contact with my once friend and turns out he has been too lazy to find himself a mortgage broker. Wow, how handy that I just happened to pop up. Turns out he is quite the successful carpenter and is looking to buy a house. Hello dollar $igns. But yes, we have exchanged details, going to keep in contact and he will be passing my number onto his other well to do friends. So I hope.

In lighter news, Alma Park Zoo has just received a pair of red pandas. So cute. First in Queensland; however some lameo biosecurity law prevents them from being a mating pair. So they’re two brothers. Still so cute, but my real dream is to see Giant Pandas. Eventually I want to go to every single major zoo in the world. Heh. One day.

So many things, where to begin?

Well here’s some awesome news; I’ve lost weight and currently weigh in at 60.3 kg. Impressed? I am.

What else? In other news, I guess I am working too much and not having too much time for other stuff. Sure it’s frustrating but I’m not too phased (or going to let it affect my relationship with Steve in any way *unresolved issues*). Life is busy and it’s a good thing I suppose. Time keeps rolling forward and brighter, better things are just around the corner.

Uni finishes soon. I’m currently on mid semester break and then it will only be another 8 weeks before completion. God. It’s almost scary. I have applied for a job with the QPS; so hopefully I will hear back soon, but no rush. The job market looks to be quite volatile at the moment. I must admit I am a bit worried as I only really have one speciality when it comes to formal qualifications. I suppose Finance could be a back up option, but not one I’m jumping for joy at the thought of.

Business is good. This week my final shipment of stock came in, so this Sunday should be an awesome day of trading, providing the weather isn’t being indecisive again. How annoying. But yes, selling can be fun! As so enthusiastically advertised on the back of every Market entry ticket. It is fun!

Just last week the one time stallholder next to me sold me some real awesome bargains. I picked up a Crumpler bag for the bargain basement price of $7! She was practically giving it away! It was insane. Anyways, I ended up buying that and another bag. It was a Sachi full leather messenger. Very, very cute. I tried to find a picture of it, but to no avail. I might just take a photo of it later on, but I am very happy with it. At first she had it labelled for $25 (still very reasonable given the brand and condition) but she offered it to be for just $20. I almost said yes but there were some people at my stall so I had to go back and I kinda got so busy I forgot about it until we were both packing up and she asked me to make an offer on the bag. At first I was a bit hesitant to insult her with a low offer and I casually said I’d give her $10 and that’s how much she sold it to me for!!! Awesome!

On the subject of relationships; Steve and I are good. I think I’ve kinda taken a bit of a backseat and am not so driven to be girlfriend of the year anymore. Things have been quite busy for the both of us and I don’t see that ending anytime soon. Just need to learn how to deal. We had a really good Easter where we spent most of Good Friday and Easter Monday together; eating, sleeping; Bettying; shopping; sleeping, eating. We’re so great but I just can’t help but still want more. It’s easy to say that you don’t; but I do. Maybe not right now; or in the forseeable future, but eventually I do. I think it’s just a girl thing. And him not wanting it (as explained ‘in the next 5, 10 or even 20 years’) is just a guy thing. It makes me feel a bit better I guess. Women are just preprogrammed to be gathers and men are meant to be the hunters. 2000+ years of life hasn’t changed that fact; probably won’t now. But we’re still good.

All is well.

Nobody needed to die for a cause or give up anything.

Last night was.. really good. I’m really proud of myself for having such a conversation without any tears. Things because much clearer and it enabled me to carry on a decent, mature conversation and it let me articulate my thoughts without blubbering like a whale through waves of sniffling, snot nosed blowing and tissue throwing (yes, that was me).

I feel very happy today. Like I don’t have anything to worry about anymore - no more insecurities for me.

Clarity? I love him and he loves me

How noble are martyrs?

Dying for a cause seems to be a little too over the top. What about self sacrifice? Currently pondering the idea. It seems like the only likely solution to the stalemate. Or is it?

Last night was good. Actually, rephrase; it was really great. Cooking dinner, watching Betty, lying in bed. All great things. A snippet into what we’re like. We’re very good together in almost every way. Perfect symbiosis of compatibility. But it’s a new day and I sit around with a heavy heart just not knowing what’s going to happen or what to do.

Do I just do everybody a favour and opt for the time and space option of an unknown period of time?

OR

Do I wait it out?

Every time I’m faced with this question I always choose the latter. Wishful thinking perhaps. But the problem seems to always exacerbate further. If the problem doesn’t lie in me, wouldn’t it be smart to just let the problem be solved in my absence? If a lifestyle change is needed; and I must admit that I am a big part of that lifestyle; then why not take a change. Could potentially be positive for me too? (Who am I kidding).

But then again, why not be supportive and just stick around. It’s not my fault that he feels like he does. Right? So why should I have to suffer the consequences?

What’s right, and what’s wrong. I’ve no idea…